What NOT to say to your Childless Friend | Infertility Awareness

It’s been two years since my husband and I started trying to conceive, and almost 3 since we got married. It may not sound like that long but for anyone who is ready for a baby it feels like an eternity. As we try and wait patiently our loved ones are also waiting with anticipation. I think this is true for anyone who has gotten married! But when you add infertility into the mix sometimes people say things that are really frustrating and careless. Don’t get me wrong, MOST people mean well but when you are dealing with such a sensitive area in someone’s life what you meant can easily get lost in what we are going through.

So I am writing this in hopes to educate others on what the ‘harmless’ things you ask and say can feel like to someone who is dealing with what feels like the weight of the world. I hope this will help you to be a little more mindful/thoughtful in the things you say to your childless friends and family members, whether you are aware of them struggling with infertility or not.

What are you guys waiting for?

I wanted to start here because this is one of the most common and also annoying questions ever. We know that it is not intended to be intrusive, annoying, or trigger anyone but it can be all of those things. You have no idea what a couple is going through. Whether they are ready for kids. Whether they are already trying to have kids. Whether they just had a miscarriage or have just been told by their doctor that they will never be able to conceive naturally. Whether they even want kids. So please STOP asking people this. If you have to ask them this it probably means you aren’t very close to this person because if you were you might already know what they are doing, planning, or going through as far as family planning. Regardless it’s really none of anyone’s business (family included) but if you aren’t even close to them it’s really none of your business. And if you are close to them, try asking them if they are comfortable having that conversation with you before you start prying in such a sensitive and private area of someone's life.

Girl, you better give that man a baby.

This statement is equally as annoying. This puts a lot of pressure on women. What if she is trying to but it isn’t working? Or again, what if they don’t want kids? Doesn’t she have worth to him beyond giving him kids? I could keep going but it’s basically the same things I just typed above. So just reread that again if you need too.

You’ve just got to have faith. Are you praying about it?

If a couple believes in God and really wants a baby, I promise you they are praying about this. Even if they haven’t prayed about anything else in years, if they are struggling with infertility of any form, they have talked to God at least once about this. In my case, I have been praying for 2 years specifically about conceiving. And even longer if you count my single season prayers about finding a God-fearing husband to start a family with. I’ve been praying day and night. Praying before and after sex. Before I took a pregnancy test and got negative results. Praying when I’m hopeful and praying when I want to give up. Praising God in advance for a baby that is literally nowhere in sight. I am choosing to keep going when I feel like God’s forgotten about us. So please don’t ever suggest that my faith is the reason this isn’t happening. God said all the faith I needed was the size of a mustard seed. And trust me, to keep pray for 2 years and still not receive, but still making an active choice to continue moving forward, is a HELL of a lot of faith.

Do you want to borrow mine?

I know this is meant to be taken in a joking matter but honestly, it kind of feels like you don’t know how blessed you are to be able to make this joke. We don’t want your kids or your life but we do sometimes wish you could see how blessed you are to have the babies God gave you. I’m not saying don’t joke or complain, I’m just saying don’t joke or complain to us.

Why don’t you just adopt?

While I understand that this is meant to be a thoughtful suggestion it actually isn’t. If someone is struggling with fertility, TRUST ME the thought of adoption has come up. It’s most likely been discussed between the couple. But as simple a solution adoption sounds like it is, it’s not for everyone. If it were for everyone then more people would be doing it whether they struggle with fertility or not. And I know that when someone is struggling to conceive it seems like we should just take whatever option we can get. And while I believe adoption is beautiful and amazing, I think you should have a desire for it. If you don’t you might just be trying to fill the void of childlessness with something that isn’t even the right shape. I’m not saying you shouldn’t mention adoption to a couple, but you should do so without telling them what they should or shouldn’t do. Pose a question about if they are interested in it rather than one that is forcing your solution on them. Ask them ‘Are you all open to adoption?’ instead.

You’ve got to get real freaky and try some different positions.

Yes someone actually told ME this. Not only was I mortified but I also questioned if they had ever been to a sex-ed class. That is not how it works at all. Some people get pregnant with little effort and others can do all the tricks and tips and still nothing. It’s not about positions its about fertility.

These last two statements are not things that I want people to stop saying but I do think you should be aware of how often we hear the same thing from everyone.

It will happen when you least expect it.

This is the most common statement every person I know who dealt with infertility all said they heard from most people in their lives to try and encourage them. And while this statement has some truth to it (because most often when we stop obsessing over things God does bless us with it) it’s frustrating to hear over and over again. It just feels like the default answer.

God’s timing is perfect. Just be patient.

Now, this statement is ABSOLUTELY true. BUT it gets really repetitive as well. So repetitive that it can begin to feel like a brush off. It feels like you are saying ‘Stop thinking about the thing you want most in the world and just trust God's timing, even if that means waiting another 10 years because you should be ok with whatever that timetable looks like’. I’ve seen people lose it over having to wait too long for their meal to come out at a restaurant so miss me with the patience thing. Again I know his timing is perfect but please be empathetic to how hard waiting for it to happen can be.

I have one last thing I want to throw out there that actually happened to me recently. My husband and I have been praying for 2 years about this. We asked God to help us conceive naturally but ultimately we just asked him to give us a child however he sees fit. We haven’t conceived naturally but God blessed us in a different way. We won a grant for a free cycle of IVF. We were so excited and happy because IVF can be really expensive. We decided to share our good news and we got so much positive feedback. We felt so blessed. And then I get a message that kind of frustrated me. It was from a fellow believer who kind of implied that we should have faith that God would bless us with a child naturally not through IVF. Not exactly those words but it was strongly implied. As if God didn’t bless us to win the grant out of HUNDREDS of applicants for a procedure that can cost around $15,000 with no insurance coverage. We literally prayed for an answer, God opened an unexpected door, and someone I am not even close to (who doesn’t know our story) questioned whether or not it was God. Listen, it’s apparent that if it were up to the enemy we wouldn’t be having any kids. He would rather us be childless because he knows whatever children God does give us will be a force to be reckoned with in the kingdom of God. And we (my husband and I) will stop at nothing to be sure of it. So Christians please don’t put God in a box you created and then expect everyone else to accept your box version of God. My God and his plans are bigger than anything that can fit in a box.

What Can You Say/Do?

So I do not want to just leave you with what not to say. Because as I stated at the beginning of this blog, I do believe most people have great intentions and genuinely want to be there for the people they love who they know are struggling with fertility. So I want to give you ways you practical ways you can do that.

1) Just ask us how they are doing. Check on them. And even if you are curious, try not to mention infertility, miscarriages, babies, or fertility treatments every time you talk. Let them bring it up if they are up for talking about it. They may have just had an exhausting or devastating day and you calling to ask about it may be too much.

2) Offer to pray with them. If they are not believers and you are and they don’t want to pray together, then pray for them on your own. As a believer, I think prayer is the best thing you can do for someone. God knows the right thing to say and do better than you do.

3) Don’t allow your relationship with them to be awkwardly affected by what they are going through. Now this one is not all on you so try and avoid the awkwardness if you can help it. If you guys go to brunch once a month, keep going to brunch. If they cancel because they are having a hard time, try to reschedule for a different day. Go to the movies. Go shopping. Go to church. Call each other throughout the week and talk about the same things you always did. Infertility can consume our lives at times and a dose of normal is sometimes exactly what's needed.

4) Be a safe place WITHOUT judgment or a solution. This one is IMPORTANT because Lord knows everything we are thinking, feeling, and saying will not make sense or be politically correct. And do not feel like need you to be the fixer or moral police. Just listen. If they need to talk, be a listening ear even if you don’t understand what all is going on. Be a shoulder to cry on if they need it. And if you can find a way to make them smile or laugh PLEASE DO!

5) If you happen to find out that you are expecting within the time frame that they are struggling please be sensitive. I am in no way implying that you should tiptoe around us with your good news. I do think you can be happy about your new addition while still being gentle with and concerned for your friend. This very thing has happened to us several times since we have been trying to conceive. And when I say several I mean there have been 10+ babies conceived/born from our friends and family members. My own best friend unexpectedly got pregnant. But it’s the way she handled that I wanted to point out. She actually wrote me an email. First, she told me how important my friendship was to her and that she really struggled to tell me this because she’s been right there with me through our struggle. And that her pregnancy was super unexpected but she wanted to tell me personally and give me time to really process it all before it was posted on social media. She also wanted to tell me that she understood if I was hurt by this and needed some space to process it. It was probably the most gentle way anyone can tell someone news that will be hard to hear. I cried for like 2 mins and then called her and told her I was happy for her because how can I not be happy for someone who literally said the first person she thought about after taking the pregnancy test was me 😩😂 (her exact words). I am not saying everyone has to write up a lengthy email to announce their pregnancy to their friend who is struggling to conceive. But please, however you do it, please do it with kindness, gentleness, and empathy. If they don’t respond with congratulations please do not take it personally. If they love you they will most likely come around. It’s just really hard and we all handle this situation differently. Give them grace and be grateful that you are the one who has to break the news and you are not the one having to hear it.

Disclaimer: These are just MY thoughts based on MY experiences with infertility and also the conversations I have had with other women surrounding their experiences. How I feel and my opinion may differ from other people in this very same situation. So it’s best to have honest conversations about their comfortability with sharing with you and specific questions or statements that bother them specifically.